Midnight Thoughts

I really dont know how to explain
that I'm those kind of person
who will get a clear mind at midnight
instead of morning or afternoon...
But, this is who I am...


I did a lot of thinking lately...
About present,
about future
and my pass...


I feel kinda satisfied with my life now
as I'm doing stuffs I like...
Not exactly but it is something similar which is,
present myself to people...
Being in TARC was not what I expected until
I finally learn that my dad wouldnt let me being in
the course I like
because it is not those highly-income job...
I like being radio DJ but
he said this job have no fix time for work
and even worst, it is a day and night reversed job...
I know what he was worrying
but this is MY LIFE!!
Shouldn't I have the right to decide??
* Sigh *
Anyway, now I gave up on broadcast
and I went into PR course...


PR = Public Relations
A job that you will have fixed income
when you get yourself into a company...
At first, I thought I might just fit in this course easily
as it is not a hard course like accounting and so on,
but now, after one semester,
I found out the my personality doesnt suit this course at all!!
I like to work alone and it is kinda hard for me
to trust others and coop with others...
But as a PR, I will have to work with a lot of people
and I would need to put on a fake smile even if I dont want to...
No, it not hard to do all these...
The hardest thing is when I'm in class,
I'll all alone...
The gap between me and most of my classmate is huge...
Regardless about the age,
my thoughts are totally different form theirs...
Maybe it's because I had been through a few things more than them
or whatsoever...
I just couldnt blend in...
Hmm...Maybe I'm the one who should be blame...
I should hide my colors and just put on a mask or anything...
Just dont show my colors will do...
* Sigh *
But what to do,
I cant cry for a poured tea...


However, the best memory I had in the first semester
was that I joined a Talent Competition...
Instead of calling it a competition,
I shall call it a show...
It is not those ordinary competition that
everyone are aiming for the fame and cash...
For me, I did learn things from this show...
I used to be scare when I step on stage
but after joining this,
I dont know why,
it just fees like I had gained a lot of courage
and now whenever I have chance to perform,
the only thing on my mind was to show all my best...
My singing skill was improved ever since
and I knew kinda lot of friends from this event...
And of course, I also gain enemies...
I'm not afraid to write down here even though I know
someone will see this
cause this is who I am and this is my place,
I can write down whatever I want
instead of hiding it and faking it out...


Almost everyone saying that we are one big family
but please think,
is that how you treat your family?
Being bias to one and totally not accepting the others?
Gosh, I'm so sick of your hypocrites...
Once I gave my trust to you all,
thought that you all really meant
what you all said,
"WE ARE FAMILY"...
But end up, you all dont even give a damn!!
Seems like I just put my heart under your shoes
and let you all step on it AGAIN!
Well, I shouldnt have give a fuck at start...


But luckily,
my relationship with my real family
is getting closer and closer...
I just love being at home...
I can do whatever I like and say whatever I want
without worrying anything...
Mom trusted me and ask me to do important stuff
like going to the bank to do some banking work...
I can tell almost everything to grams
and get advice from them...
I can go shopping with mom, grams and bro
like we never did much before...
It just feels so good being at home...
The best thing they did for me is
being there whenever I need them...
When they knew about the tragic breakup,
they didnt ask much and
they pretended that they dont want to know anything
although I know they were curious...
I felt so blessed that they were being so understanding...
I just couldnt stop loving them...♥


Yes, my life now sounded kinda tragic,
but trust me,
this is not the worst...
You havent seen my worst yet...
I'm happy that I still have my family by my side...
With their support,
I will continue fighting until the end...
=)


For my pass, there is only one word that can describe it...
"BUSKIN"
I had been through a lot of stuff...
It is not as huge as 911 but it already changed me...
Starting from boycott to betrayal by friends,
being blame for stuff that I didnt do,
being hated for being popular,
being backstabbed a lot,
being played by some guy
and blah blah blah...


Each and every time when I was being hurt,
I deal it all by myself,
and I get stronger when I'm healed...
My relationship with my family wasnt as close as now
so there is no one there to listen to my problems...
Even if I spill out,
my parents would say that
"You shouldnt be doing this and this and this......"
So, there is only me that I can lean on...


9th grade wad the toughest year of my life...
A lot of stuff happened and
my life been through a huge change after that...
The most I remember was being so depress
that I wanted to kill myself...
When the cutter was on my wrist and the blood
start coming out,
I feel like kinda release and wanted to close my eyes
once and for all...
But one thing came across my mind,
"If I choose to die now,
I would have to bring all my regrets and hatred to my grave..."
and I dont want that!!
So, I tied to make myself back to normal again...
Just when I thought that would be the end of my bad luck,
another incident came and
I'm back to depress again...
I couldnt trust anyone and I really dont want to go
to school that time....
Even if it is my besties that I knew since primary,
I'm afraid to face her...
What I did was just sit on my place for all day
and back to my home when school end...
After reaching home,
I would lock myself in the room
and only come out for dinner...
That's all I did for that period of time...
That was the dark ages for me...
Anyway, somehow I manage to get over it
and I had changed to become a mature person...


Incidents keep happening and
I keep making myself to get through all those...
I had trained myself to become a
stronger and tougher person...
I wouldnt easily shed tears even if
I'm really care...


But things changed again...
I met this guy during my National Service...
We fell in love and we start dating each other...
Everything seem so right...
He gave me the love that I always wanted...
He made me feel so secure
and most important,
he made me wanna settle down...
I had never loved anyone like I loved him...
I gave all of me for him...
I believe he did too...
I can even pull down my walls
and be a crybaby with him by my side...
He walk through my 11th grade with me
and listen to all my stories
yet not showing a cold-shoulder to me...
There was never been a big fight that we
couldnt solve...
Seriously, I really thought I was gonna marry him
and spent my whole life in his love and care...


But my dream crashed after I came to college...
He start complaining that I dont have enough time
for him and even suspect that
I flirt with others guys...
Do you know how hurt is that to hear
the one you trust and love the most doubt you like that??
So, cold war and quarrels started...
His "goodnight" and "I love you" began
to get lesser and lesser...
I did tried to fix it but I just
couldnt save our relationship that is dying
right in front of us...
So, that's the end of my imaginary fairytale...


I was totally not okay after that...
Almost every night, I cried myself to sleep...
I couldnt fall for anyone
because I dont have the strength to love anyone
like how I loved him....
I couldnt eat for a few days and I loss a few kilos...
I did try to accept someone else and
try to fall for them,
but things just dont work!
He left a great impact and till now,
I could still feel the pain...
Guess that I need more time to get him out of my mind...
No matter how,
I will be alright!!
I'm always the tough one right?
= )



That's how my pass been...
Updated a bit about the relationship part...
It was still fresh...
Well,
for my future,
seriously,
I couldnt see myself any where...
Everything is blur now...
I really want to make a clear direction
to the place I want to be....
But the thing is,
the place I want to be the most
is stages!!
I'm into performing arts which my parents
strongly disagree for me to join...
What can I do??
LOL~


I know this is a long yet boring post...
If you ever read this,
I wanna say
A million thanks to you
for trying to know me...
= )
Ciaoz~